The Most AU Story Ever
by of-bad-faith former isolde2
Summary: Harry's a goldfish, Hermione's a freaky crustacean hybrid, Ron's crazy, Snape's a snail wanting to be a snake... THE MOST AU STORY EVER! Not to be taken too seriously.


Meg and I are going to write the most AU story *EVER*.  
  
Right about now.  
  
*Meg is in italics* I bet we are. *rolls eyes* Complete with Goldfish!Harry!  
  
The comments of the ever witty Isolde, who came up with the premises for this completely believable and canonical story!  
  
Harry Potter wasn't really the wizarding hero you all think he was. No, he was the savior of the goldfish--the _common_ goldfish. He was goldish- orange with bright green eyes and a really freaky scar.  
  
_Common_ goldfish? Now, Isolde, don't go getting your pureblood-goldfish prejudices mixed up in this... *shakes head*  
  
You know you have pureblood-goldfish prejudices too, hypocritical hippopotamus!  
  
WTF? Hippopotamus? You know, I'd hex you, but we should probably continue with the story. And of COURSE I don't have prejudices! *hacks at Mudblood!Goldfish with meat cleaver* Hehe...  
  
He could only communicate with Hermione Granger, the Mudblood crab/hermit crab/lobster hybrid and Ron Tuddly, the second-youngest of the hyuuuuge Tuddly family.  
  
Everyone thought Ron Tuddly was crazy. Mostly because he thought he could communicate with Harry and Hermione, the goldfish and hybrid.  
  
Ron Tuddly was thought up by my friend Steph when we watched CoS and she called Tom Riddle (v. hot) and Ron Weasley Ron Tuddly. So now we have the Tuddly family. ;]  
  
And, you know, Ron Tuddly WAS crazy. I mean, he had some serious issues with the fact that he couldn't remember whether he was a Weasley or a Riddle. But he decided, what the hell, he'd just merge BOTH names into one, and voila! Ron Tuddly. But that is entirely beside the point.  
  
**AUTHORS TAKE JELL-O BREAK**  
  
**AUTHORS RETURN FROM VERY SHORT JELL-O BREAK. SHORTNESS DUE TO THE FACT THAT JELL-O IS NOT READY YET**  
  
Now, these three went to a wizarding school called Hogwash run by Albus Dumb-Old-Door.  
  
There were four houses at Hogwash: Gryff-In-Doors, Huff'n'Puffs, Ravenclaws, and Slytherins  
  
Aww, you're so mean to the lesser--er, more Noble, Just, and Generally Pleasantly Viewed houses.  
  
**AUTHORS FINALLY HAVE JELLO**  
  
**AUTHORS RETURN FROM THE GRAND JELLO EXPERIENCE**  
  
Anyway, the Gryff-In-Doors were generally pig-headed and bullish. Harry the goldfish and Hermione the hybrid were good examples.  
  
Huff'n'Puffs were usually high or on some sort of drug.  
  
Ravenclaws were being witty and making *subtle* inferences that Gryff-In- Doors werer annoying losers.  
  
Slytherins were snarky and cool and were engaged in Mortal Kombat with the Gryff-In-Doors.  
  
Mortal Kombat? How come us Ravenclaws don't get to play Mortal Kombat? How come???  
  
You're too busy making subtle inferences and yelling at Dumb-Old-Door! :-P!  
  
Oh, yes, yelling. How subtle. *is not in the least pacified*  
  
Whatever. On with the story.  
  
The best house was Slytherin, filled with the people who had meaningful lives and lots of money and v. good fashion sense. The Malfoys are a very good example of all three.  
  
*coughprejudicedSlytherinscough*  
  
Harry the Mudblood goldfish didn't like the Slytherins. In fact, he hated them because he always lost to them at Super Smash Bros.!  
  
What's with all the video game references?  
  
There are no video games in HP, so the video games make it more AU.  
  
Ah. I see. *doesn't see*  
  
The Slytherins also hexed him. A lot.  
  
Is that why he's a goldfish?  
  
That's why Harry was a goldfish.  
  
Man, they must have HATED Hermione then.  
  
He had a Fairy God Convict who granted him wishes. Unfortunately, the aforementioned Fairy God Convict was in Azkabibble, the Wizard Jail. So, no wishes for Harry.  
  
Oh well.  
  
No comment.  
  
Ron Tuddly was slightly addle-brained. He had some sort of mental disorder, but no one knew exactly what. I don't even know, and I'm writing this. Something bad.  
  
He was the only person who could talk to Harry and Hermione.  
  
Not that that was a good thing or anything. It made people think he was crazy.  
  
*gets down on knees, squeezes eyes shut, and prays* PLEASE no cross-species relationships, PLEASE...  
  
Just for that I'm going to put one in.  
  
Ron would never admit this to anyone, but he really liked Hermione. She was so witty and Slytherin-hating. Also, she had looked really pretty at the Yule Ball.  
  
O.o  
  
Hermione, however, had eyes only for Harry. She found Harry to be so brave and selfless, sacrificing his happiness for the good of the Common Goldfish world.  
  
Harry, of course, liked Ron, the only human he had ever talked to.  
  
While you're at it, why don't you just add in some MORE StrangeSmallAnimal!Characters, and make a love decagon, or something? [/sarcasm]  
  
Severus Snape was an unhappy snail who really wanted to be a snake.  
  
I didn't MEAN it!!!! *scared* And the wanting-to-be-a-snake thing is just sending out squick vibes...  
  
He saw the good side of Crabbe, the sensitive snail-lover.  
  
NO Snape/Crabbe. I BEG you.  
  
Unfortunately, Crabbe loved Hermione, the Mudblood hybrid, although his parents would never accept his love for her.  
  
Would his parents give a damn? I mean, they're TROLLS, right???  
  
Nope, Crabbe's human. :]  
  
Yes, but are his parents? (Just in case you thought this wasn't AU enough...)  
  
I think they're trolls in canon. Sorry!  
  
Back to the only decent characters, the Slytherins with brains.  
  
Draco Malfoy was, as always, looking very hot. And being snarky, very snarkily sarcastic.  
  
But I thought this was supposed to be as AU as possible--wouldn't Draco be ugly and fluffy, then?  
  
Draco doesn't apply to those rules. They're more like guidelines anyway.  
  
Pirates reference! *claps* I like! *squee*  
  
Ron Tuddly walked in on Draco in the bathroom.  
  
Draco screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TUDDLY?! I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN BUT THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU LICENSE TO BE A VOYEUR!"  
  
NO Draco/Ron! That would be just...too much... *cries*  
  
Ron started spazzing. "EEEK! YOU DON'T HAVE COCONUTS! I HATE COCONUTS! THEY'RE EVIL!"  
  
Aaahhh...our twisted, twisted childhood... [/reminisces]  
  
Draco stopped screaming and looked at Ron strangely. "Are you alright in the head matey?"  
  
My attempt at British slang. Do they actually say matey?  
  
First of all, "alright" is not even an actual word. Second, does anybody SAY matey? Isn't it just "mate"? (Meaning FRIEND, Isolde, meaning FRIEND! NOT...well, yeah. You get the idea...)  
  
(EDIT: Draco stopped screaming and looked at Ron strangely. "What the fuck are you on?")  
  
American slang is so much easier to use, considering I'm American.  
  
You really need a good Britpicker...  
  
For an AU fic? And I'm sure the British say What are you on?  
  
No, for everything in general. And we need to A) Figure out what Draco actually said, and B) get back to trying to figure out what the plot was/is/will be.  
  
"I'm on crack. And coconuts. Lots of coconuts."  
  
"I see." Still giving Ron a strange look, Draco slowly backed out of the bathroom and ran to Dumb-Old-Door to complain of sexual harrassment. Of course, considering Dumb-Old-Door's Gryff-In-Door bias, nothing happened. So Draco ended up writing to his father. As usual.  
  
Can it be The End now? Please?  
  
Hell no. We still have the Trio love triangle to resolve.  
  
*whines* Can't we just Avada them and be done with it?  
  
Lord Voldemort appeared, killed all the Gryff-In-Doors and Huff'n'Puffs and created a Slytherin world with a Ravenclaw minority.  
  
The End.  
  
And I suppose Draco ran off with Isolde Sue into the sunset?  
  
The sunset? Nah. The evilness. Of *COURSE* the pairing of this fic is Draco/Isolde. What else would it be? There's only one female character in the actual fic and its a crab/lobster/hermit crab Mudblood hybrid.  
  
What do you mean "What else would it be?" You were on the verge of slashing EVERYBODY.  
  
There was like _one_ het pairing, y'know. And I like Draco. And Tom. And Lucius. It's too hard to choose.  
  
*chooses Isolde's method of "too hard to choose"* Why don't you all just have a foursome then?  
  
Great idea.  
  
And this fic will be FINISHED before that happens, okay? THE END. (For real this time, I promise.)  
  
Fine. But I *will* one day have a foursome fic with me/Draco/Lucius/Tom. Maybe. Although I probably won't ever get around to writing it. Any volunteers to write it for me?  
  
Not me. When/if you ever write that fic, I hope to be far, FAR away. *shudders*  
  
I'll make sure you see it then, wherever you are. *evil smirk*  
  
*covers eyes, scrubs out brain* And now we are really done. Really.  
  
Hee. That was fun, and funny. V. slashy and v. crossspecies relationshippy. Oh well. 


End file.
